I don't want to write this.

But I hear that forcing yourself to do something that you know you need to do, even when you don't want to do it, is good for you. Like taking medicine, or jogging, or eating salad in winter.

My bratty, stubborn side thinks that's just a load of phooey, but I know my fellow blogger Matt Funk will probably kick my butt if I stop typing now.

So I won't.

My only excuses for not writing this is that I'm sleepy, it's cold, and I don't want to, because I don't have anything to say.

But everyone that knows me at all knows I always have something to say. Sometimes it's not verbal, I just express my thoughts with my scary right eyebrow, or a smirk, or my skeptical face, or my super intimidating grumpy face. Once in a while, I smile. I can also be fairly expressive with sighs, "psshhhh" 's, obnoxious scoffing sounds, and snorts.

And it's almost nice to have people that can translate my odd noises, or call me out on things, but it's also kind of a pain. Like a lot of things in life are.

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I used to always think that 19 year old's knew everything. From my blonde-pigtailed-jumper-clothed-little-kid self, I looked up at them in awe, sincerely believing that they had finally received the keys to the Lamborghini of life. They had it together, with a career all picked out, an identity settled upon, a confidence that never wavered, a height that was actually fitting for a 19 year old, a clear direction in which they were headed.

I'm starting to think now that there's a distinct possibility that the girl in the jumper was wrong.

But I also think that the girl I am today, the 19 year old, the one in the old jeans and oversized sweater, is okay with not knowing everything. Maybe I'm even okay with not knowing anything.

Because the more you don't know, the more you have to find out, the more excuses you have to go on crazy adventures or do stupid things or take risks or ask tons of questions to find things out.

And I would rather live my life trying to find things out than carry around a huge book of things I already know.

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 I think the biggest influence on my life philosophy, including everything I've already written about, is my mental image of God.

And I'm sure I just lost some of you, you're thinking "Dang it Jazmin, who do you think you are, a Southern Baptist preacher or something!?!?"

Even though that might be cool, I am not a Southern preacher.

The only reason I have for bringing this up is that I'm talking about myself, and without Him being who He is, I wouldn't be me, and so He has to come into the conversation eventually.

When I think of God, I think of a master artist and a master storyteller and a master shepherd, who is always out to make things whole and beautiful. He is poetic, He is faithful, He is gentle. But I also picture Him saying things like "Dude, I got this, just watch and see!"

And that enables me to know that for everything I trip over in life, everything I wonder about and worry about, everything that I find stressful or irritating, everything I don't understand and want to know about, God is right there with me in it, saying "Watch."  


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 So that's what I said when I thought I didn't have anything to say.