This is not something I ever thought I would write, but I am aiming to write a B essay tonight.
I'll explain that statement by explaining why I never thought I would say it. While I don't have a type A personality and I'm not a perfectionist (or maybe I'm just in denial), I am very competitive, especially in academic environments. My goal for this year is to graduate with a 3.9 GPA, because I know I can do it, and it is hard for me to accept anything less than the very best I can do. This is not inherently a character flaw (at least in my mind... or maybe that's the type A personality I don't have talking).
However, I am not great with the art of balancing one's life. When I'm in school, I am a great student. I'm not a great friend, or co-worker, or most other things. I have a hard time being wholly present anywhere because I am always thinking about school. I disappear from the lives of my friends and family, buried beneath textbooks, notebooks, and assorted Apple products. While it may just look like I have a great work ethic, what I am actually doing is fusing my self-esteem with my grades. This is not healthy and not something I'm proud of.
I am trying really hard not to do that this year.
The reason why is as follows:
My grandma died just over a month ago. While we were going through boxes and boxes of her things, we found many pictures and documents that'd we never seen - or paid attention to - before. We found her diploma from George Fox (then) College, where she graduated with honors. We also found boxes of old cards she had sent and received, almost a dozen photo albums, even collections of recipes. We pored over the cards and photos and clippings, and we loved it because we were seeing things that mattered to us as a family. However, no one gave the diploma more than a brief glance. Truthfully, I don't even remember what level of honors she graduated with.
Now, I am one of the last people in the world who would degrade college education, or graduating with honors. I want to go to graduate school, so I know that grades really matter.
However, so does life.
I realized that when I'm dead, my dozens of grandchildren won't really be concerned with my GPA or what's on my diploma. They will be far more interested in pictures, in my stories, in what I did with my degree - with my life.
I think everyone is going to school for different reasons, so this state of mind that I have somehow ended up in may sound straight-up crazy to you. That is okay. My goal with confessing these things is to encourage you, as a student, to take a second to reflect on why you're going to school, how you're living your life right now, and what will matter in years to come. Take breaks, go for walks, spend time with friends, eat grilled cheese sandwiches and watch sports once in a while without kicking yourself for it afterwards. Our college experience are, after all, 4 years of our lives - I for one don't want to hate it.
Just an thought.
Much love, and good luck with midterms.
