View #1: Yesterday there was a home video from 2001 playing on my father’s TV. In the video, there was a group of people taking a tour of the offices of The Bulletin, Bend’s local newspaper. The videocamera was most often focused on three things: the rolls of paper and computers and desks of the building itself; a gangly, blonde little white boy who showed every tooth in his mouth when he smiled; and an equally blonde and white girl who wore a hot pink bow in her hair. Several times the video would show the small hand of said blonde white girl shooting up in the air to ask a question in a chirpy, endlessly curious voice. The hand is connected to an arm which is clothed in a pink sweatshirt that is unnecessarily covered with small hearts. The sweatshirt covers a body that is topped by a head completely covered with freckles, and on the front of the head is a face that is almost entirely composed of two very blue, very wide eyes, and a large mouth that is seldom shut.
View #2: Several times in the last day or so, I have been tagged in those “If you open this, you take it. Answer “Yes” or “No” and be completely honest. Don’t explain ANYTHING.” notes. I’ve read every single one that my friends have written, but I have not yet written one of my own. I’ve started several times, then realized that I would just as soon not finish. It dawned on me that the people who I want to know the answers to the important questions, already do know them. And the rest of the questions don’t matter all that much.
Still, I enjoy random facts as much as the next guy (or girl), so I decided to mention a few of my own:
-I read myself to sleep.
-Recently, I’ve started to not hate math.
-I do hate fruit flavored cereal.
-When I was little, I almost always had a huge bow in my hair.
-I’ve ridden a bike on a beach. It was lovely.
-The smell of campfire always makes me feel like I’m 5 years old.
-I love antique stores.
-Thumbelina is one of my favorite movies.
-I love children’s books, especially the Bearenstein Bears books.
-A few years ago I tried to start collecting snowglobes... I now have 5. (I’m not that good at collecting things.)
-I argue that “Ocean” is a color.
-I never ever throw out that color/black alignment page that a printer prints when you put a new cartridge in.
Sometimes I have trouble consolidating those two views of myself. In my mind, I’m still that awkward 9 year old in a pink sweatshirt who can’t stop asking questions. Yet when I look in the mirror, I see a (hopefully) less awkward college girl who has a mind of her own and still asks a lot of questions, but has some answers as well.
It’s like I’m an old soul in an 18 year olds’ body with the thought process of an elementary school kid and the sarcasm of a weathered political satirist.
And I’m okay with it.
What’s interesting, though, is what happens when I start listening to what other people think I am.
Now, anyone can rant all day long about how “What other people say doesn’t define me!” or “I don’t care what anyone thinks!” or “I do what I want, what other people say doesn’t matter!”
But, in a way, what someone thinks of you does matter. Because their perception of you is who you are to them. So, in a way, you are what people think you are.
That’s to be taken with a grain of salt, but it’s an idea that I haven’t been able to get out of my head for the past few days.
And the question I keep asking myself is: “Do I like the person I am?” and “Do I like the person other people think I am?” And, perhaps most importantly, “Are those two people the same?”
I don’t have whole answers to those questions yet. But I’m looking for them.
