The pink door (BONUS: new DiCaprio-inspired life goal)

Tonight, walking up the driveway to my house with leash and dog in hand, I decided to actually open this door.

This is the door to the shed on the property next to my parent's house. If you've ever been out to my house, I'm sure you've noticed it, because my dad hasn't yet found a way to get our lilac bushes to grow into an adequate divider and vision-blocker (think: Berlin wall). Maybe it's the expired Pepto-Bismol pink color or the endearingly dilapidated fence, but we've never found the view particularly appealing. Nobody lives inside the shed or the house in front of it, and nobody has for a long time. I have vague childhood memories of people living there, and even of being inside the house. I remember watching movies and eating delivered pizza, and noticing for the first time that the little white things they put inside the pizza box look like tables for very small people, or mice.

 Let me step back and mention that I've mentioned the shed door in my mind a hundred times, each time finding some new illicit drug growing in the floorboards or rogue bandits planning their next heist.

But even though the house and shed have been empty (allegedly) for years, and I've looked at that door every day of the 20 years of my life, I've never opened it.

So tonight was the night that I actually saw the door for what it was, something I've always wondered about but never committed to exploring. There was always a better time, or a better pair of shoes, or a better soundtrack.

Until tonight.

I'm not sure what I was expecting. Maybe it was some Narnia-like moment of opening the door and discovering fairies and living garden gnomes inside, or a secret treasure, or even just some old relic that reminded me of my childhood.

A strong tug on the latch gave only resistance - I used both hands only to find that it still wouldn't budge. I peeked into the crack behind the door to see... more wood. The shed had been boarded up from the inside.

To ward off any attacks on the anticlimactic-ness of this non-adventure, I will address the "point" of this blog.

Sometimes the door to your next adventure doesn't open, and that's okay, because that just gives you more time for another one.

I feel like I'm in a place in my life where I could go in a dozen different directions and open a hundred different doors, and I know that statistically not all of them will open. I want me to know that it's okay, because there are other doors. I think I want you to know that, too.

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Also. I saw Titanic for the first time (!!!!!) in the theater last week, and it was definitely life changing. Especially Leonardo DiCaprio, who deserves a high-five for being so classy and talented. This experience was so moving that I'm now inspired to do two things.
(1. Watch every movie that Leonardo DiCaprio is in. I'm beginning tonight with This Boy's Life, and am accepting offers from anyone who wants to watch Gangs of New York with me.
(2. Do something before the age of 23 (which is how old Leo was when during the filming of Titanic, fun fact) that will make me memorable. Maybe not movie-poster and fan club memorable, but something worth talking about in 20 years.

Movies Ryan Gosling shouldn't be in.

My brother and I are both 100% on the Ryan Gosling fan club list. Honestly, who isn't, at least a little bit? Tonight we were talking about how awesome it would be to see Ryan Gosling in a wider range of films - and my brother tried to say there were some movies he shouldn't be in. I vehemently disagreed, and almost made this blog post into a list of movies Ryan Gosling SHOULD be in. This includes but is not limited to: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Pride and Prejudice (hel-lo Mr. Darcy), and The Princess Bride. However, that list is longer than I'm willing to type out, so I went the other route and am writing a *short* list (with said brother's help) of the few movies Ryan Gosling wouldn't make exponentially better.

1. Bambi, for obvious reasons. Even though it would be truly awesome to hear him say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything else at all" because I'm sure it would resonate straight down to the heart of even the most jaded cynic, it would significantly reduce his street cred.

2. The Hobbit, mostly because he would be limited to a dwarf, a wizard, shady guys from Lake Town, or a dragon. Though dwarfs are notorious for being surprisingly charming, I can't bear the thought of him being half my height.

3. High School Musical. Even though he's great when he sings (Blue Valentine, anybody?), he would be a teacher that bursts into song and choreographed dance about his feelings - nobody wants to see him ruined like that. Not even choir and a capella geeks, and I am a diehard a capella fan.

4. The Brady Bunch. Fighting over hairbrushes, attics, or who has to wash the dog? Nooooo thank you. Or he could be Mr. Brady in his flared corduroy pants... actually, maybe that's not such a terrible idea.

5. Fiddler on the Roof. Mostly because it physically pains me to imagine him 75 lbs heavier singing "If I were a rich man..."

For when you intentionally show up late to a final (bonus: Aragorn's version of a finals pep talk)

Say you're in this Psychology class that normally meets at 8:25 AM. That has been going as well as can be expected all term long, but now it's finals week. Because of some cruel, sadist person out there, occasionally the times of the finals are different than the normal class meeting times. If your Psychology class was to be stricken by this cruel, sadist person, your final may be rescheduled to take place, at, oh, say 8AM.

But, of course, you know this. You remember this 25 minute time promotion like you remember to make your socks always match. So, when you're in your bathroom barely dressed with wet hair and you see the clock strike 8:01, of course you are not plunged into a mind-numbing panic when you realize that you should leave about 20 minutes ago.

Because, as you coolly reassure yourself, today we're only hearing more presentations. I have to make an appearance, but (just like at local concerts) who wants to actually show up on time?

So you casually blow dry your bangs (priorities) and nonchalantly stuff your makeup bag into your purse as you snatch a granola bar and saunter (quickly) out to your car. Secretly you are relieved that you get to maintain your street cred by breezing confidently into the room after the suckers all showed up on time.

But first you have to get there, and you know you can't look like you accidentally forgot what time the final started. You scoff at the very idea! So you have to work some magic with the single bobby pin you can find and the makeup you can put on with one hand. The one hand part is important because Psychology finals do not deserve to be died over, so for heavens sake keep a hand on the wheel, at least one eye on the road, and don't speed. Besides, you planned for this to happen.

Blush is quick and easy and will help you maintain your "cool" image. Mascara is a little harder but not impossible. If you're a newbie, only do this at stoplights. Put on foundation if you have a kabuki brush but avoid (repeat: avoid) liquid foundation. There isn't ever a casual explanation for getting it all over your shirt. Also, though eyeliner may seem like a good idea, it's not. Do not doubt that theory.

While driving, it's best to give yourself a pep talk. It'll help you focus and get into the zone, even though you don't really need any help because obviously this is going according to plan!

The pep talk should look something like this:

I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me.

A day may come when you curse the very institution known as college,

when we forsake our finals

and break your impressive record of class attendance,

but it is not this day!

An hour of stoplights and slow pedestrians,

when you can see your GPA come crashing down,

but it is not this day!

This day we WILL make it to the final!!

By the power of the impending spring break,

I bid you stand, poor college student!!!

You will show up barely in time to catch the 2 presentations that you need to evaluate, and not even your professor will care that your hair is still wet.

Soap box of the day: "gay"

I just wanted to say that I'm really glad the decent social world has started to see that racist jokes, music, etc. are not funny or appropriate ever. It may seem like a common-sense thing, because we're all just people, but I'm still glad to see that change.

And I can't wait until homophobic, disability, or sexist jokes are also recognized as 100% inappropriate and aren't laughed at anymore.

I've heard it said that calling something "gay" isn't homophobic or offensive, because it's just a word and it doesn't mean something, but it is offensive and it does mean something. I don't want to make this an emotional rant or a thesis, but this is an issue that drives me absolutely crazy.

Using words like "gay" or "retarded" in a negative way is dehumanizing to homosexual and disabled individuals because it attaches that negativity to definitions of people. I know there is a better way to explain that but I'm really worked up so I can't.

Gay people are just that, people, and using the word "gay" as a negative or derogatory term is incredibly calloused and offensive.

There are so many other words to use that aren't demeaning to groups of people.

And that's why I turn into a big jerk when someone does use the word "gay," because I figure that if I make the user feel as uncomfortable as possible they might think twice the next time.

If you ever wanted to see the feeding of the 5,000...

I heartily recommend spending some time at your local community center.

Well, I guess I can't say this for EVERY community center out there, but at the one here in Bend offers up a miracle every Sunday. The community center, or BCC for short, runs a program every Sunday called "Feed the Hungry." Volunteers and a few staff come together before 7am to prepare breakfast, sack lunches, and a full meal. Typically 100-200 homeless and hungry are served. BCC also offers other services on Sundays, including a shower truck and occasionally a dental service, as well as a space to get out of the cold for a while. Most if not all of the food is DONATED by local businesses, churches, organizations, and individuals. Volunteers and staff work hard to meet the individual needs of the community and to avoid wasting any food.

I've only spent a few hours volunteering at the BCC, but it's pretty amazing to watch the food and the volunteers to prepare and serve it come out of nowhere every week. And okay, maybe it's not the equivalent of the feeding of the 5,000, but it's still a miracle for people who really need it.

If you have time between church services on Sundays or if you don't go to church or if you're just looking for something to do that benefits the members of your community, email Diane at volunteer@bendscommunitycenter.org. 

Learn more about the community center at http://www.bendscommunitycenter.org.

Of course I would create a library metaphor

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. - Douglas Adams

I believe that whenever you end up anywhere you have a story to tell about how you got there.

And I believe in sharing your story.

Today I was really struck by the beauty that can be found in that, even if it's just small moments and chapters that are shared. Because when you've made the journey and your story is bound, there isn't anything worse than locking it up and pretending like those footsteps never happened. Your memories should be like a library, ready to share and be made new in someone else's eyes. A journey made is wisdom gained, you can't pull the difficult books off of the shelf just because the covers are worn.

And that is as far as I will even attempt to push that metaphor, it stops well before past due fines and the Dewey decimal system.

I feel a little bit like a fortune cookie, but I'm serious: Take every good opportunity to kindly, wisely, and meaningfully share the moments and the chapters of your story.

What I love even more than bucket lists...

"I am so glad that I did this" lists.
"I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about this" lists.
"I will never regret this" lists.
And "I never would have thought to put this on a bucket list" lists.

Think about it!

Bucket lists became a big part of pop culture after that movie came out - what was it called? (just kidding)

And they're popular because they're great! I have written out many a bucket list in my time (which is almost embarrassingly short, yes I am aware). Seasonal bucket lists, before I get married bucket lists, before I graduate bucket lists. Sure, I know the real idea behind the thing is things to do before you die, but when you're young you have so many other milestones ahead of you- who wants to wait for the last one?

How many bucket lists have I completed? Ummm...

How many listed experiences have changed as my tastes and comfort levels and dreams change?

In my mind, bucket lists should be inspirational outlines at best. They should be a starting point but not a roadmap.

Because what I've also discovered in my time is that often the best experiences in life are the ones you never had on a to-do list.

That's where the whole idea for "I am so glad that I did this" list came from. I'm a believer in the power of reflection and of knowing the paths you have already walked over and learned from. There is hope and inspiration and magic to be gained from remembering the times that you took a chance, embraced the crazy, or stayed true. The things you never planned on doing but changed you anyway.

Here's part of mine.

The things I am excited to tell my grandchildren:
- I took the reins hat were offered to me in downtown St Louis in 2007 and drove a horse drawn carriage down the street
- I played a fateful game of red rover in which I took a hard fall and went back in to keep playing, and my foot was broken he whole time
- I emailed my favorite professor about a tv show and ended up starting an independent study that could change the course of my education and career
- I wrote back to the boy in Seattle who would end up changing everything
- I went to Shari's at 3am in a formal dress and heels just for kicks with three of my best friends
- I played twister in an elevator
- I sent my grandpa a joke
- I listened to my father when he told me that I was only 18 and closed minded and he thought it was sad
--- and all those times when I answered the phone, said "sure I'll go!", almost drowned, got sunburned, didn't finish the book, and drove too fast.

Even if this doesn't make you look at bucket lists differently, I hope you are able to look back on the beautiful moments in your life and take note of the lists you've already conquered.

With love, Jaz.